moving to a new place
An entry from my journal from May 9, 2024
I know moving to a new place isn’t going to change anything. The only thing that is going to really be changing is my own will to do things. The will to change myself and have that discipline to do what I keep thinking of wanting to change and do over and over and over.
“Once I’m not sick anymore…”
“After this week I won’t be stressed, so I’ll start then…”
“Once I get the tools I want. That’s when I’ll start.”
And now…. “Once we move and settle in. I’ll be able to do so much.”
The truth is that I know that is a lie. In the very end it will all be the same, I won’t do it, I won’t start on it. I’ll simply give up and think of a new excuse to give myself. Then I’ll start feeling unhappy, anxious, and guilt will start to eat me up. I’ll feel a small hope and think that this time I’m actually going to change. Sure, I’ll probably do something small that feels like it will make a huge impact and that it will keep me going, but in truth that small action will not be enough to have a domino effect.
It takes so much more work and time for anything to start. I’m not saying that small effort will go to waste, at least, not if I don't keep it going. But I do stop, I do give up. I start finding reasons to NOT do what I NEED to do and the cycle continues, over and over again. I don’t see a start and I definitely don’t see an end. Just going in circles.
It actually feels really good to write all this now. I’ve been having that itch to write, to journal. To express myself. I think about what it is that I want to write, I have full dialogs inside my head, and in those thoughts I feel like the most creative and brilliant person ever…. But it doesn’t matter because I have no proof of that. I become too lazy and comfortable with not doing anything that I don’t write it down, I don’t begin my actual progress towards my goals and everything remains unchanged.
I keep being this person I despise. Well, I don’t really despise myself, more like I feel sorry for her? Is she really all that meaningless in this life? No. I don’t precisely think that, but I know there is so much more. I feel hopeful for myself and that each time, even if it keeps taking me days, weeks, or months, the growth is ever so gradual. Yes, they’re the smallest of baby steps and I may not be immortal but at least I’m trying.
Still, trying isn’t going to cut it if I want to get to my end goal.
